


Lost Heart

by artispain



Category: IT
Genre: 2017 Pennywise, Daddywise, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/M, Loving Pennywise, Penny Changes Genders In This, Possessive Pennywise (IT), Rape/Non-con Elements, Romance, Self-Harm, pennywise - Freeform, tall woman
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-28
Updated: 2019-06-17
Packaged: 2020-03-17 23:01:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18974221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artispain/pseuds/artispain
Summary: Courtney is a girl with a lot of pain in her heart but no fear. After the death of her mother she moves back home to Derry Maine and meets an old friend.





	1. Chapter 1

Courtney blew thru her lips slowly as she admired the grey sky. These cloudy cool breezy days were her favorite kind. She could taste the flavor of future rain and the wind left a pleasing refreshing feeling on her skin. It allowed her to reflect on how she had come to be here in this small town.  
Coletown, Missouri (the dreadful past)  
She had loved once. Profoundly and completely. She had married him and found she could love again. Two children. Beautiful girls. Auburn hair and blue eyes like their daddy. Precious beautiful souls. Nearly 2 years apart and looked like twins. She had loved them beyond words. And as everything began to fall apart in her life their presence had helped to keep her strong. After she found out about the other woman….. His dark secret…… she had felt her heart begin to close upon itself…. Only blooming again when near her children.  
And then the drinking had begun. First he drank a little. Then a lot. She kept quiet. Trying to keep up normal appearances to her friends and family (how foolish and trivial those appearances seemed now). Then one night he'd come home smelling of alcohol and of HER……. And he decided that he'd tired of her emotionless quiet calm. It simply wasn’t enough to drown in his own dissatisfied life anymore. He needed to know that she suffered as well. So he'd hit her. She remembered the ringing in her head as his fist connected. Like the jingling of tiny bells. She collapsed to the floor and lay quietly…. Hoping the strike hadn’t woken the girls. It hadn’t. He seemed more shocked than she at his actions. He left as suddenly as he'd come.  
She endured this for awhile. Quietly and calmly. A ghost hidden inside of her mind.  
Then one day she had had to work late. So her husband had driven to pick up their girls. Stone cold drunk. And had sleepily run the shabby car over the yellow lines……. And directly into the oncoming headlights of a large MAC truck. He had died instantly. Her youngest had died in a helicopter en route to the nearest trauma center. Her oldest rested silently in a coma for 3 days before succumbing. Courtney had only left her side to use the bathroom. She remembered simply staring at her little bruised peaceful face before they'd covered it with a sheet. No tears. The pain so burning and blinding that she couldn't even cry.  
After this she no longer felt any joy in this place. She became an automaton. A robot. Sleep. Work. Sleep. Work. Food tasted like wet concrete and stuck just as bad. She continued simply because it felt disrespectful towards her children to take her own life.  
After 2 years of this autonomy there was another blow. Her mother passed away. Courtney would now need to make arrangements for her mother’s home. Her childhood home.  
Suddenly an impulse struck her. She put in her 2 weeks notice, put her home on the market, and withdrew her entire savings. She was going home. Home to the place she had run from all her life.  
Derry, Maine  
Blowing thru her lip again she tried to blow the errant curl out of her face. She had used to hate her curly hair but now embraced the large unruly mass of hair upon her head. It was purple. Bleaching it and dying it was one of those things she’d done after the initial shock of loneliness had worn off. Along with the tattoos and piercings as well as hitting the gym like it was the last week of her life. All of these had been things she’d never really done before but had reached out to in a blind attempt to express herself and to cope.  
She was walking past memorial park. She’d gotten off the bus and decided to finish the walk rather than take a taxi. The air felt clean and the sky looked dark and ominous with rolling clouds. She shouldered her duffle more securely and picked up the pace. Not that she'd truly care about rain tho.  
She'd never know what possessed her to look……. She only knew that her eyes seemed pulled to the large white standpipe. And then she stopped cold. The image she was seeing was so strange and out of place that for a moment her brain could not process it.  
There was a person. She couldn't see their face as this person was holding……. Of all things……. A big bunch of red balloons……. In an inverted triangle. The tip of this triangle was at the level of this person’s chest making the rest of the balloons effectively hide their face. Their clothes….. Or maybe suit would be more proper…… were downright outlandish and seemed to be from a different time. Crisp silver silk it appeared to be. With billowing pantaloons that ended in strange long shoes with orange puffs on the toes. Similar orange puffs ran down the center of the front of the costume. The person appeared slender but not overly thin.  
Courtney's eyes nearly bulged out of her face as her critical mind tried to reason out what she was seeing. She could clearly hear the wind making the tiny bells on this person's costume tinkle and chime. Yet the balloons and the silk remained motionless and unchanged. This simply could not BE.  
Yes it can…… you’ve seen it before! Her mind whispered to her. You might have forgotten a lot but it’s still here if you'd only be willing to listen…….  
Her mouth felt dry as bone. She hadn’t realized it’d been hanging open. Her eyes also felt dry for the same reason. A single errant rain drop hit the right lense of her rectangular glasses. She felt no fear. She hadn't felt fear in a very long time. She felt surreal. Like a person watching this scene from above. Not a part of anything but still observing. This couldn’t be real.  
It’s real…….. Her mind taunted her.  
Then…. With no movement from the person…. The triangle of balloons began to slowly float upwards. As if they were simply letting the string slide thru their gloved fingers. A large neck ruffle became visible. Then a pointed white chin. Then blood red lips.  
She felt her heart rate thundering throughout her body. Pounding behind her eyes. She realized she knew exactly what that face was gonna look like. She remembered every detail before it was even revealed. Her childhood nightmares. Her saviour…..


	2. Meeting a dark angel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Courtney meets Penny as a child

Her mother had always told her to never show fear. It was okay to be afraid but one must never show it.   
“So what do I do if a monster comes for me mommy?”  
“Find a police officer. Police officers are here to help you.”   
“Well what if I can’t find a police officer?”  
“Well dear…… if a monster is chasing you….. And you can't find a police officer…… well I’d try finding another monster.”  
“Another monster??” A child’s confused tilt of the head.  
Courtney’s mother folded another sheet. Answering the questions with careless disinterest…… as only an adult in Derry could. “Yes. Find a monster that's even bigger and scarier than the one chasing you silly. Find the biggest baddest brute you can see and hide behind him. Monsters don't like to share you see. And that bigger badder monster will take down the smaller monster.”   
“But then what shall I do?”  
“What shall you do?”  
“After the bigger badder monster gets the smaller monster?”  
“I don’t understand dear.”  
“Monsters don't like to share. So what shall I do when there's only one monster again?”  
“I told you….. Find a police officer. Now be a good girl and go wash up for supper.”  
Courtney’s mind bubbled with more questions. But she did as she was told.   
Find a bigger monster……..  
And that's exactly what she did.  
The next morning was one Courtney had been looking forward to for a long time. The fair!!!!! Games and rides and animals and cotton candy and popcorn and hot dogs! The scents of it all had filled her little head. The buttery sweet smell of the kettle corn. The spinning sweet smells. Even the porta Johns would forever embed the smell of that joyous time in her mind.  
She didn't notice the man following her at first. He kept off a distance…… content to merely watch the girl child run from place to place. She never bought anything. She didn't have much money. But the visions and smells were magical to her. It wasn't until the promising shine of a stray coin in the gutter some distance from the crowd caught her eye that he decided to make his move.  
A half dollar!!!! Combined with the pocket change she had she just might be able to afford some popcorn! Or a ride on the Farris wheel. Or maybe even just a balloon. She so loved balloons. A purple one maybe. Or blue.   
Then she saw him. He was approaching her carefully. Walking on the pads of his feet as if trying to be quiet. He was a large hairy brute of a man. And even her child's mind could see how his movements were wolflike and predatory.   
It is okay to feel fear. But one must never show it dear.  
Her mother's words rang in her mind and she immediately straightened from the instinctive crouch she’d sunken into. This man did not have good intentions but she must not show that she knew this.   
Find a police officer. Police officers are here to help you.  
But she saw no one that looked like a officer. And her child mind never considered flagging down one of the adults back in the crowd merely 30 or so feet away. Instead she moved on to her mother's next suggestion.  
Find a monster that's even bigger and scarier than the one chasing you silly.  
And she spotted him almost immediately. A clown. If that's what he could be called. In a silken gray suit with large orange puffs going down the front. He was kneeling talking to a young boy. The boy looked frightened and Courtney could easily see why. This clown wasn’t your average laughing funny fat guy turning balloons into animals. She couldn’t see his face as his slender back with the Victorian like grey silk lacing was facing her. But he was crouched in the very same way that the large man was stalking her. Predatory. Courtney didn't hesitate. She bolted for him. And the large man gave chase.  
She weaved thru people heading for the clown. And the man followed. Barreling thru human beings like a bear thru trees. Even the most passionate cries were only “Hey! Watch were you're going ya clutz!” Courtney was still too young to question why these functioning adults observed a full grown man chasing a young girl and did nothing. The predator had chosen his killing field well…… or so he'd thought.   
She was nearly there! She could hear the man’s breathy grunts behind her. He was running so fast! She'd never get there…....  
No fear  
And she felt none. Her mother's command rang true.   
Almost in slow motion before her the clown snapped to a standing position then froze. As if he sensed her approach in the cacophony. She dropped to her knees and hugged one of his silk clad legs for dear life panting into the silk with her burning lungs her eyes closed tight.   
“Please. That man. Help me! You’re bigger. You’re scarier. Help me!”  
Such a strange little human! She’d run to It simply because It was frightening! And the fat fuck behind her so puny and determined. It wasn’t all that often a meal clung to It so freely. Offering itself so freely. Now to get rid of the fat pup that dared to hunt in It's fields.  
Courtney stared up in awe as the clown above her turned and angled his head down to look at her. His eyes! They were the most intense shade of gold she’d ever seen. Like looking into the horizon glow of a sunset. They looked thru her. INTO her. As if they could read her soul.   
Then he smiled. And it was the smile of a shark. Needlelike teeth lined his mouth in rows upon rows leaving not even his tongue visible throughout. His bottom lip puckered out in a strange u shape glistening with saliva. The red lines connecting his mouth to his eyes making him look as predatory as ever.   
All of this happened in only a few moments before the large hairy man bellowed in rage and prepared to tackle the foolish circus worker who dared touch his prize. The clown spun around almost too fast to see the fanged smile never wavering. His left eye fastened on the man while his right eye never left Courtney’s soul. Then everything seemed to sink into slow motion for Courtney.   
The man started to skid to a stop as the expression on his face phased from frustrated rage to one of abject horror. To Courtney this entity looked like an otherworldly clown. To the man it looked like his own father. Greasy stinking of beer with his potbelly hanging out of his pants and eyes as bloodshot as ever…… and with that strange u shaped shark grin. The man’s mind went blank as he tried to understand what he was seeing then failed entirely. His face blanched white as his knees failed and he fell to them and his jeans were shredded and fresh bloodied as he skidded to a stop. He made strange gargled moaning noises as he struggled to his feet then turned and fled.  
The clown looked back down to the child.   
“Helloooooo Courtney! Do you want a balloon?” This was followed by a low chuckle as he brandished his red balloon towards her.   
“My mamma told me to never take stuff from strangers. Sorry.” Courtney's eyes were saucers of worshipful awe.   
The clown threw back his head and howled a high pitched choking cackle.  
“Well allow me to introduce myself. I’m Pennywise the dancing clown!” He bowed right down with his left hand on the air and his right waving in a flourish. Courtney watched tiny bells on his sleeves tinkle and chime.  
Courtney smiled completely floored by this being. “I love balloons! I’m Courtney!”  
“Well here ya go Courtney! This one's for you!” He held the balloon out for her pinched between his index and middle finger. Courtney saw her name on the side! She reached out and took it.   
“Thank you!”  
Completely unafraid! No matter…. The fat pup will do just fine!  
“Well if you'll excuse me….. I’m going to go take care of your large hairy friend!” He gave her an impish wink. Courtney’s fingers fell limply from the clowns pants as he walked away.   
Courtney admired her shiny red balloon but then frowned. Why did she feel so disappointed?  
She never saw the large man again. Could never imagine what had actually happened to him  
She never saw Pennywise again either. And she never forgot. She remembered him as a dark angel. He had saved her life. And she’d never gotten to thank him…..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to tell the story of how Courtney met Penny. I'm working on one more character building Chapter then it's SMUT TIME!


	3. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Courtney continues to feel no fear. Pennywise follows her home.

The balloons slowly rose. Revealing first that pointed white chin then those red lips. Those red lines became visible looking like growing vines. Courtney had forgotten how to breathe. Yet as soon as those eyes…….. Those blazing golden eyes…… were revealed she remembered breathing with a gasp. The balloons continued slowly to reveal flaming and perfectly coifed hair of a rich ginger chestnut color. Everything was as she remembered. He didn’t appear to have aged a day!  
His face broke with that same strange u shaped smile. This time there were no shark teeth. In their place were absurdly large buck teeth. Courtney also had buck teeth only much less pronounced. Seeing those teeth obliterated any nervousness she might have felt if there had been any. With the silly smile and that red painted button nose he almost looked like an overgrown boy! Only those eyes belied the innocent appearance. They seemed to pull gravity away itself as they bored into her own.  
“Welcome home Courtney! I've brought you a whole mess of balloons this time! Do you like them?” His mouth was the only thing to move during this speaking but at the finish his body shuddered and bounced only once and very quickly. As if he could barely contain his excitement. This made his bells jingle again.  
“You……. I remember you! Pennywise!” Courtney simply couldn’t help the smile that blossomed on her face. A smile of that same childlike awe.   
The clown held his hand out beckoning. Courtney didn't even hesitate. Shouldering her duffle again she started for the standpipe and this ethereal clown.  
This woman! Strolling towards It without a care in the world!  
“You saved my life! I never forgot! I thought you'd forgotten me! I never saw you again…… but I never forgot. You’re completely unchanged. How can that be?” She was strolling right up to that clown.   
Without thinking she reached out to touch his arm. He recoiled back one large step almost too quickly to see his lips pulled back in a silent snarl.   
Nobody has ever willingly reached for It…… hmmmm how to react……....  
Courtney froze her hand outstretched. He looked enraged and…… confused? And strangely the wind was affecting his costume and balloons. The billows on his costume swayed on one side and pressed to his lean muscular frame on the other. The ruff around his neck fluttered up to caress his red painted lips. Courtney suddenly became acutely aware that she’d just barged up on what was essentially a very large stranger. She was quite formidable herself at 6ft with an Amazonian frame which was well maintained at the gym. But this clown towered over her. She was only a few feet away and his smell enveloped her. Peanuts and funnel cakes. Popcorn. Hot oil and mustard. The thin spun sugar smell of cotton candy. Elephant droppings. He smelled of the circus! The smell mixed with the clean smell of future rain in a surprisingly pleasing combination. There was an underlying smell as well. So familiar but she couldn't quite identify it.  
Just as suddenly the costume and balloons stilled and the clown regained his calm and leering demeanor. That strange endearing smile returned. He reached the hand holding the balloons out to her.  
“They're for you Courtney. Here…… take them.” His nose twitched. Courtney smiled again and stretched her hand forward again.  
“Hey! You shouldn't be out here! It’s gonna rain!” the voice startled Courtney and she snapped her head around. An older man strolling thru the park had called out to her. He continued on his way without stopping.   
When Courtney turned back there was nothing but the clean white siding of the standpipe. And she felt…… disappointment. She tucked a purple curl behind her ear shouldered her duffle again and turned to go.   
And then the storm opened and she was immediately drenched with rain but she didn't mind. She'd always enjoyed rain. She walked calmly onward wiping rain and sodden hair out of her face while water squished out of her Converse.   
Thoughts of Pennywise circled inside her mind. She wasn’t concerned about him disappearing or her own sanity. She knew what she’d seen and trusted it implicitly. And she instinctively knew he wasn't human. Too much evidence to the contrary. And she still wasn’t afraid. She didn't really care what he was. Her mind hadn’t worked this hard over something since before her great sadness. She knew his actions had been presented in a way that was supposed to be intentionally unsettling but she wasn't unsettled. With a boyish painted grin and a simple presentation of balloons Pennywise had broken thru the stale robotic motions she’d been living in.   
She remembered going outside at night and gazing at the moon crying over a father that hadn't wanted her. Crying over her mother living as an unhappy automaton herself although her young mind hadn't been able to understand. She'd looked up at the moon’s face and suddenly wished that a werewolf would come out and bite her. Take her away. She'd be wild and free of this place. She also remembered crying because she’d known in her childish heart that magic like that simply didn't exist.   
But it did! Pennywise proved that! How badly she’d always wanted to be a PART of something magical and she was!  
She walked on unaware that she was being watched……..  
This woman! This infernal woman! Walking thru IT’S town! Breathing IT’S air. Not a speck of fear! Not even a morsel! No guilt! No nervousness! She was walking in a dreamlike sway. Thinking about It. But not in the way It would normally be thought of. But whimsical and……. Innocent……. But also analytical. It couldn't seem to see her thoughts as well as other humans. When she wasn’t thinking about It It couldn't see her thoughts at all. So perplexing……..   
And It had lost It’s control! For just a few moments the wind had touched It. And the old man had noticed the woman. Something It wasn't accustomed to. Now what to do about it?  
It supposed it should just kill her. She was different. And different was a threat. But It was also very curious. How did this creature work? What other thoughts were inside that fluffy purple head? It sensed sadness. An overwhelming despair that had seemed to envelope her before she’d seen It. It had receded quite a bit but was still ever-present. And It couldn’t tell what sort of sadness it was.  
And a new emotion….. Happiness??? She was happy??? She was! Positively brimming with joy. Stumbling here and there as if she didn't really know how to BE happy. Ditto.   
It was baffled. It'd inspired many things in humans…… but joy certainly wasn't one of them. It couldn't seem to follow thru the sewer pipes after her fast enough nor catch enough peeks at her thru drains and manholes.   
She turned down a familiar street……. His street. She didn’t quite make it to his lair…… she stopped at an unimposing white single story shotgun style home a block before and across the street.   
And…… it was gone. The joy was just gone. She stood and smelled empty for just a moment before the despair enveloped her again.  
Courtney watched the rain pouring around and over the leaf clogged gutters on the roof. She simply stood in the pouring rain and let the feel of this place seep into her heart. Loneliness. Regret. Snuffed out hopes and dreams. Her home.   
She walked up to the door and tried the handle. Locked. Turning she squatted down and turned over the third decorative rock by the door. Key. Just as she remembered. Unlocking the door she stepped inside.   
The place looked just the same as she remembered. She had no explorative interests at this point. She headed straight for her room.  
It could no longer contain Itself. It wanted to get a rise out of her. Wanted to know what she feared.  
Courtney smiled grimly. Her room was completely unchanged. The lavender comforter was even still turned back a little. As if her mother hadn't even come in here to straighten her bed. She plopped her sodden duffle on the floor and stripped out of her clothes. Rifling thru her drawers she found a comfortable white silk night dress she’d slept in in high school. It had been quite baggy when she'd bought it from the thrift store all those years ago. It still was. The hem which was supposed to trail the floor barely brushed the tops of her well toned calves. She went briefly to the kitchen to make herself a cup of chai tea then returned to sit at her window reveling in the soft brushing feel of the silk on her bare skin and the devilry of finally breaking her mother's stringent rule about no food or drinks in the rooms.   
Gazing out her window her eyes rested on 29 Neibolt. She’d loved that house as a child. Had explored it’s many rooms. Had even nearly fell into the well in the basement.  
Then her eyes rested on her jewelry box on the vanity next to the window. She opened it absent mindedly then froze. There nestled between earring backs and tongue rings was a shriveled deflated red balloon. She set her tea down then picked it up and gazed at it in the palm of her hand. It felt flexible and paper thin and brittle with age. And there in tiny print which at one time had been stretched large by helium was her name. She set it down thoughtfully.   
She reached over for her tea and her wrist caught the edge of the teacup and sent it clattering to the floor. Steaming tea splattered everywhere some of it scalding her exposed calves.   
She cursed in pain and recoiled which sent her flailing backwards and crashing to the floor from her chair. Her head cracked on the hardwood and she lay dazed for several moments seeing tiny sparkling stars and balloons and hearing tiny tinkling bells. After awhile she slowly sat up looking at the portrait of her and her mother on the wall.  
“Yeah. I know. No drinks in my bedroom.” She got up to go get a towel and maybe a Tylenol.   
As she started for the door she heard a noise out in the hall. The tiniest tinkling of a merry little bell. The door was only partially ajar so she couldn't see out into the hallway but she knew that it damn sure wasn’t her head ringing this time.   
She took a deep breath.   
It’s okay to feel fear but one must never show it.  
Only she wasn't afraid. She was annoyed. This intruder was about to meet a bigger bitch than he'd most likely bargained for. At 6 feet tall and 175 pounds she certainly could be very intimidating when she wanted to be. Straightening her shoulders she confidently walked over and pulled open the door.  
Nothing but a dark hallway on one end the front door still locked and on the other the back door still locked. After a thorough and equally fruitless search of the rest of the home she collected a towel and headed back to her bedroom. Taking one last peek at the doors she closed her bedroom door and turned around……..   
Only to walk directly into a broad silk clad silver chest.


	4. Fear Still Exists

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Penny finally smells fear

She stayed utterly still. She had instinctively closed her eyes when the soft silk had brushed them and she didn’t open them now. She inhaled the circus smells and finally identified that underlying scent. There were 2 actually. And both resonated with happy memories in her childhood. One was the smell that had wafted in her face when she’d stood in front of the lions enclosure at the zoo. Musky wild and dangerous. Lions were her favorite animal.   
The second smell was of decay. As a child Courtney had liked going to the roadkill pit at the dump in the barrens. She liked to collect the teeth and nails and smaller bones….. And skulls! She was always happy when she found an undamaged skull! She always avoided the fresh bloated corpses and always chose to look around in the dry desiccated remains. So she’d become accustomed to that papery earthy smell. And that’s what this was. Dry desiccated decay. Like the smell of the very oldest books at the Derry library.   
The scents were only tiny notes in the myriad of scents that made up the smell him. Almost unnoticeable if you didn’t analyze the smell closely.   
Next she concentrated on the feel of his suit and of him. She had walked right into him and so she was pressed against him. He stood as still as death itself. His body wasn’t even breathing. She knew without looking that he was looking down at her. Watching her. Like the lion had watched her years ago.   
She felt his lean musculature against her cheek. Hot like a blazing fever. A stark contrast to the absolute cool softness of the silk atop it. She moved her cheek against him slightly expecting to feel the silk slide between them but it didn't. It was flexible but stuck to the underlying creature. Like skin. As if this suit itself was his skin. The idea his appearance actually being him NAKED made her heart rate increase and brought tiny hysterical giggles to her. The movement of her laughter made an orange puff tickle her ear and some of his bells jingled. He still didn’t move.  
Finally she opened her eyes and looked up into his. But they weren't the lions gold she was expecting. They were the brightest most sparkling baby blue she’d ever seen! He was smirking down at her.   
“What a nice room Courtney. It’s purple. Like your hair.” He thoughtfully reached a gloved hand up to grasp a still drying tendril of her hair and run it thoughtfully thru his fingers.   
She was so close to him she could feel the lightly pitched vibrato of his voice thru him. She watched how his face moved as he spoke. His brows had risen in “purple” but had furrowed on “hair.” His left eye watched her eyes but his right eye was looking at the hair in his fingers. His lips……. The images in her mind suddenly had her mouth going dry and her vision growing blurry. They……. They were nice lips. Shame pooled in her gut. This being didn't deserve the way she had just thought of him. But the thoughts intruded again and she couldn’t help but imagine how those lips would feel. On her fingertips. On her own lips. On her neck. On her breasts. Everywhere. She breathed deeply as an old foreign emotion she hadn’t felt in years flooded her body. Fear. Not of him. But of herself. Of her own base thoughts towards this dark creature who had saved her life.  
When her vision cleared she saw those eyes were no longer blue. Nor were they gold. They were a fierce black rimmed hungry amber. And both were now trained on her. His face had changed as well. His brows were pushed out and angry looking. Almost demonic. His overly long buck teeth were still present but the teeth around were also overly long and sharp. His strange smile was back although much more terrifying now. Saliva pooled on his bottom lip then dripped onto her exposed cleavage.   
The tiny warm drop hitting her body seemed to turn her blood into vitriol. She gasped at the pleasure of it and tried to step away from him. But his arms snaked around her and held her against him like steel bands.

Fear! Finally! And all It had done was touch her hair!  
It had been observing her just as she’d been observing It. She was large for a female of her species so It’d already adjusted Its height accordingly in order to remain intimidating. She was lithe and well muscled for her own kind as well. She had hooded green eyes which could be piercing and caustic at one moment and lazy and dreamy the next. Her nose was piquant and small over her rose bud lips. But her hair had been the most fascinating. It was a brilliant almost garish violet and although it dominated her head in a full bodied mane around her face by the standpipe it was damp and darkly framing her high cheek bones now.   
She smelled of neroli and roses and rain and sadness. And then she’d smelled of giddiness. She thought It was nude! Then something more animal like. Lust. After this the mouth watering scent of fear.   
She’d gasped and tried to get away but It'd stopped her. She wasn’t struggling.   
She was terrified. But not of It and this was a perplexing problem. She was afraid of HERSELF. As if she could possibly harm It!! But how could one capitalize on this? How could It nurture this fear?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy! So I've had this chapter finished for a bit just forgot to upload it. The next one is so much fun to write! I adore foreplay and I adore the before foreplay even more lol. It's gonna be a fatty too so it might be a bit before it's done. :) hope you like!


	5. To Feel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Penny gets a little more than he bargains for.  
> WARNING!!! Penny will be choosing a male gender for this chapter but this probably won't be constant.

Her heart thudded in her ribcage fluttering and tiny. But the pounding of it filled her ears and sent her vision spinning. Only he was in focus. Everything else melted away. She knew the appearance of his face was intended to frighten but she could only gasp at its otherworldly and terrifying beauty.   
His arms pinioning her to him flexed with some ancient and primal eagerness. The action pulled the low neckline of her night dress low enough for her breasts to come out between her arms which were crushed against his chest. Her nipples brushed him. One against the silver silk and the other against an orange puff. This action caused her to utter a high pitched gasp.  
Fear turned to terror as one of his hands traveled up her back. She felt his soft glove brush her neck before he cupped the back of her head. She tried to push away from him but he was as stiff and unyielding as marble.   
Keeping her against him he used his arms to lift her from the ground bringing her face to his.   
“No! No…….. Please…… Pennywise!” Her voice was a tiny squeak.  
“Don’t struggle. I’m not exactly sure what I’m doing here Courtney. But if you struggle I may harm you.” The u shaped leering smile confused the meaning of the gentle words spoken in a raspy gutteral voice.   
Just as suddenly the smile was gone. Replaced by those bared teeth. His eyes lowered to her lips. His face approached hers as his mouth opened wider. He looked as if he meant to bite her lips off! A low hiss exited his mouth as he paused just before contact. The ruff around his neck tickled her décolletage as she tried to throw her head as far back as she could.   
Then he lowered his nose and lightly sniffed instead. He snuffled very much like a big cat from the corner of her mouth along her jawline to her ear then down her pulse line to her collar bone.   
It could kill her so easily. She was so afraid and so helpless. But this was just too much FUN!   
She felt his hot breath caress her neck as he let out something between a chuckle and a growl.   
Then the tips of his sharp teeth retraced the path his breath had only in reverse. Courtney's breathing came out in tiny puffs. She knew if she struggled now those teeth would pierce her skin.   
When he got to the base of her ear he stopped. Taking another waft of her fear he opened his mouth and pressed his teeth gently against her skin then dragged them gently together his lips dragging behind them ending the false bite in a wet kiss. He kissed again swirling his tongue on her pulse as he did this.  
And the fear was gone again. She couldn’t even think. It was as if every single nerve ending in her body was strained to this one point. She began to see things. Some she could understand. Some she could not. Stars. Turtles. The faces of screaming children. Cloudy plumes of stardust. Eternity. Loneliness. And she began to understand just a little how old this creature truly was.  
A demoniacal snarl filled her ears then dimmed to a squealing whine as he froze against her his lips still pressed to her.  
IT could see her thoughts now and something more. Something It hadn't been able to do. And see her past. Mundane things like when she'd selected purple for her hair. Hear the dusty pouring of cremains being poured into a small pink urn. Smell the emanations of It's own scent. Taste the spice of her chai tea. But most importantly It FELT. Despair. It had never felt despair. It had tasted despair with almost every kill along with the fear like cinnamon with sugar. But It had not FELT despair. It found the rotten core of It's being and it felt like cold ice felt on It's teeth. Swimming thru that It FELT other things It hadn’t felt. It felt her worshipful awe of Itself. And fiery molten desire. It melted that despair. Pan fried it until it was gone and It’s heart was FIRE.   
Courtney cried out as the clown ripped his lips away turned and threw her onto her own bed. As if touching her burned. The connection was broken.   
He crouched very much like an animal. His eyes now red as blood sclera pitch black and his lips pulled back over a mouth so full of long fangs that he surely could not close it.  
But now that she had SEEN…… If there was ever a representation of the darkest violent most eldritch face of beauty….. It was surely crouched right there on her bedroom floor.   
Then he began to crawl towards the bed. His movements were not jerking as a humans would be but light and graceful as if he possessed no joints and his bones were fluid.   
He was going to kill her. She simply KNEW.  
It had no idea why touching her skin directly had had that effect. At first It had recoiled because the feeling had been DIFFERENT. But now It wanted MORE. It’d scoffed at the human enjoyment of substances but now It could understand why humans craved them so….. It must have more. It must FEEL more.  
Suddenly the clown sprang onto the bed very cat like. Courtney wasn’t small and Pennywise was enormous and the bed was only full size so of course he landed on top of her. She had landed on her side curled up when he’d thrown her so she could feel his heat and weight all down her left side. He was in a predatory crouch over her. His whole body rumbled as he produced a steady deep growl.   
He leaned down to nuzzle her neck and she felt the warm touch of his breath and the sticky drool dribbling down her shoulder soaking her night dress and then down onto her bare breasts.   
She wasn't afraid at all. Her body shivered and her hands and feet tingled and her heart pounded. She waited for him to sink those fangs into her throat…… but he didn’t. Suddenly his lips and tongue were under her jaw. This wasn’t the playful toying slow kiss of before. The clown was making her neck and chest a sloppy mess as he kissed and slurped and licked her neck. His growls broke into an even deeper more bubbly sound. He was purring!  
There was no artfulness to his ministrations but he made up for it with ribald enthusiasm. And it still felt pretty damn good. She began to relax and turn her body upwards to face him. He groaned still kissing her neck and the visions began again. But this time they were expecting it. They could still move and feel but they also could see inside the mind of the other. Intense would be an understatement.   
She wanted this clown to kiss her and he complied instantly snapping his face to hers. His fangs were gone again but his face was still demonic. His lips covered hers and then he stilled…… he didn’t know how. She could feel it in his thoughts.   
She suddenly felt nervous. She hadn’t kissed anyone in years. She opened her mouth and sucked his bottom lip into her mouth then nibbled it gently. He didn’t seem to mind. After she was finished he mimed the kiss on her though he nibbled almost painfully and when he released her lip it snapped back into place. He gazed down at her.  
Courtney wrapped her legs around his waist then grabbed his ruff and pulled his face down to hers.   
The images in her mind were even MORE tantalizing now that she was touching It willingly. When she resisted it was like looking down at a reflective lake of her life. Her reaching out was like diving in. There was nothing extraordinary here in terms of a human life. But the loneliness…… so like It’s own…… and finally It saw her fear. She was afraid of herself. Of being happy. It wondered what happiness felt like. It wanted to FEEL everything! This woman was writhing beneath him clearly ready to copulate. Fuck it. It was genderless. But with a shift in It’s will It was HE. And as soon as a cock grew from His body He understood the meaning of the hormones pouring from her body. 

She felt it pressing eagerly on her thigh. It was hot and HUGE. She had no idea why all of this was happening but she knew she wanted it. Wanted this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm such a nerd sitting with a reds harder writing this stuff. And I love it lol


	6. Floating

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNING!!!!!! There's some mention of self harm in this! Specifically cutting! It's brief but if you're triggered by that stuff skip this chapter!

Courtney reached down with mindless hands groping desperately for him thru the silk. Strange how it flowed like clothing instead of skin now. She sensed in his mind that he’d made this tensile change due to her own expectations.   
Her hands found what they were looking for and she began to massage his length thru his pants. His purrs became indistinguishable from his growls. His hips bucked against her his cock straining into her hand thru the material.   
“Now. I want you NOW.” Courtney murmured. She couldn’t find any opening to access him and in frustration she instead started trying to yank her night dress up.

“Patience my pet.” He chuckled. He could feel her eagerness. He could feel the joy she felt at being eager for anything after such a long time of feeling nothing. The idea of someone being EAGER to be with Him was…… pleasing. 

He slowly slid one large gloved hand under the hem of her night dress and started to slide it up her body. Caressing her leg then her hip then her waist dragging the cloth up with his wrist as it went. When he reached her ribs she forgot to breathe again. This clown was going to send her into respiratory arrest…..  
He chuckled again at her thoughts before gently testing the weight of a breast in his hand. She could feel his fascination with them. Then he began to massage a nipple between the pads of his thumb and forefinger.  
At this she moaned and thrust her hips. He could feel the hot wetness of her thru his own clothing on his cock. A very snake like hiss came from him. He liked it. She met his eyes wickedly and did it again.   
Something in him snapped. Suddenly he was naked. Well…… he still had his neck ruff but that was all. Any other time she might have found that funny but quite frankly right now she found it hot as fuck. He rose up to tower over her on his knees. This gave then each an unimpeded view of the other. He admired her fit body then stopped.   
She had scars EVERYWHERE……. Ugly purple lines and zig zags…… even words had been carved into her skin. Fat. Skank. Whore. Everywhere where conventional clothing might cover had them. She felt the questioning in his mind then tried to self consciously cover herself with her night dress.   
A quick glance at her mind gave him the answer. He snarled and wrenched her gown up ripping it off her. “You did this to YOURSELF???”  
She felt hot tears of shame forming. “Yes. But that was years ago. Honestly I’d forgotten about them. I’m sorry.”

He thoughtfully began to trace the scars with his fingers which were now as naked as the rest of him. With each touch he could feel the heart rending pain she'd felt when she'd administered them to herself. Not physical. That was nothing more than a sting. Almost soothing. He felt that tearing burning feeling in his chest. That need for care contrasting with the feelings of not being worthy of any care at all. ‘At least I can control this' she had thought. ‘At least I have this.’ The last time had been 3 days before she'd discovered she was pregnant with her first child. That child had saved her life. But now all was lost. She had nothing left. At least this was what she believed. But she had not cut again. She believed this would be disrespectful to their memory. But she'd begun to think about it often……..

He looked down at her. He was absolutely breath taking. His body had no flaw. It was literally marble white with no trace of hair or veins. There was gentle but sharp muscle definition. His biceps were lean but strong. His abs dimpled down into a delicious looking v. Then she watched a very light line of ginger hair start from his belly button and end with a modest thatch around his massive dick. At the same time traces of blue veins appeared under his skin. She realized he was changing himself to meet her human expectations.   
When she met his eyes they were blue. “You humans are fools. Harming the only skin you'll ever have simply because you are incapable of being self sufficient.” His eyes narrowed. “You will NEVER do this again Courtney. Do you understand?”  
She nodded.  
“Good. Because……. My little PET….” He spat the word. “The next time you feel inclined to destroy this beautiful skin……. I will remove it from you. This…….. Is MY skin now.”   
At that he grabbed her hips and viciously pulled her off the bed and onto his cock.   
Courtney screamed at the white hot pain. She hadn’t had sex in years and Pennywise wasn’t gentle. He slammed into her to the hilt still grabbing her hips and bringing her to him with the thrust. Then a sharp whine as he stopped. 

He felt searing pain burning inside his intestines. He could not understand. He had seen animals rut. And He’d seen humans breed as well. The animal females seemed docile. The human females seemed to enjoy it. If this act was hurting her why had she wanted it so badly?   
He looked down at her. She had her eyes tightly closed her mouth gritted in a silent snarl. Her body had a sheen of immediate sweat. She was clenched tightly around Him and He had to admit it felt very good. Yet he kept still. Maybe she would indicate what He was supposed to do. Oddly enough…… He did not WANT her to feel pain. 

Courtney breathed deeply and calmly trying to adjust to his size. When she opened her eyes she saw he was staring at where they were joined. His eyes were that lion like yellow again. His jaw was slack. A line of drool dripped down to her pussy. She sensed his tentative and foreign desire to not harm. But it also felt good to him.   
“Touch me Pennywise. I’m okay. Just……. Just go a little slower.” He didn't hesitate at all. He began a slow but deep rhythm reaching his hands down to caress her thighs and belly. His eyes were pinned to his own cock sliding in and out as his drool lubricated them. She watched him as her hand trailed down and began to rub and stroke her clit.  
It worked. The pain began to subside and pleasure bloomed in it’s place. She moaned and knew that Pennywise could feel it as well. His strokes began to speed up and his purring growls turned into panting snarls. He was a noisy creature.   
The intensity of it flowed thru her. She could see the cosmos itself in his memories. She’d always loved the stars. And her body felt so good.   
Suddenly the clown dropped forward to her using one hand to slide under her shoulders and lift her to him and the other to prop himself on the bed. His hands had grown long dark claws and while one splayed out on the bed the other slid up her spine to twine in her hair. She writhed suspended there. She knew somehow this position wasn’t natural. And she didn't care. She felt like she was floating.   
She threw her head back screaming as her orgasm hit her without warning. She felt him rutting into her so fast it was like vibration. She looked up still cumming almost painfully to watch his own release.   
His eyes rolled back. Literally all the way back showing the glassy whites of his eyes. And his mouth began to open impossibly wide to reveal endless waves of razor sharp teeth. She saw light coming from his throat but before she could see the source Pennywise threw his own head back and the sound that poured from him was the deepest most gutteral and bubbling roar she could ever imagine. Whatever was in his throat cast delicate orange lighted shapes on her ceiling very much like a kaleidoscope.   
He was beautiful.   
As the deafening sound died away he slowly lowered his face to her. His mouth was open like a normal mouth and the light was no longer visible tho he still had his sharp teeth. His eyes were blue.  
He gently lowered her to the bed. He could feel her spent satiated exhaustion. She didn’t want to fall asleep but she literally couldn’t help herself as her eyelids drifted closed.   
The eldritch eater of worlds nuzzled her face and neck as her breathing evened into sleep hoping to feel her dreams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I. Loved. Writing. This. Chapter. Penny is my coping skill <3


	7. Thoughts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Penny retreats. Courtney thinks about things.

She woke up slowly as each sense came to life one at a time. First touch. She felt the cool bed sheets on her skin. She was laying face down with her head to the side and one leg splayed out. Her hips and Pussy were very sore.   
Then hearing. She could hear the rain still coming down outside. The house was silent.   
Then smell. Her perfume. Neroli and roses. And sex. Raw and musky.  
Then taste. Sweat and metallic blood. She’d bitten her tongue at some point.  
She slowly opened her eyes. The room was pitch black and very quiet. Almost muted.   
Slowly Courtney rose her aching body and thru old memory reached over and turned on her bedside lamp. Her room was illuminated with pale yellow light. The clock said 0230. She was alone.   
She refreshed herself with a shower dressed herself in an old tee shirt and sweats and made herself another cup of chai tea. This time she sat on the old couch in the living room and turned on the old television. A picture of a missing child greeted her. A beautiful dark haired girl. Courtney felt pain in her heart and her stomach thunder with the dull ache of old pain.   
Something was wrong with Derry. And it had something to do with children. Children went missing so often and were never found or were found in pieces. It was why she'd never brought her children to visit their grandmother. She had wanted them to never be a part of what was wrong here.   
She switched off the television and sat quietly in the dark. Letting the weight of it crush her. She had tried to protect them. Her children. She had failed. She knew it was foolish to blame herself for something she hadnt done……… but she HAD. She should've wrapped them in their little coats and fled into the dark that very same night he'd hit her. But she hadn’t. She’d stayed and hidden in her numbness.   
She bathed in the guilt and self loathing. She wished and wished and still only hurt. This couldn't go on. She must think about something else.  
Pennywise. Her old friend. She’d never thought about him in the way she'd experienced him tonight. She'd always thought of him as a very beautiful and graceful monster. Her protector. Her brief memories of him had an almost worshipful quality to them. To be honest her current memories had the same quality if not a little bit more heretical and tinted with hubris. He had TOUCHED her. He had WANTED to touch her. And she knew he wasn't human…….  
She was suddenly overcome with the urge to see him again. Her heart absolutely fluttered at the idea. And then again with the damn fear. She didn’t want to acknowledge the quickness and depth of how she felt but here in the darkness that's all there was. She…… adored him for sure……. She had no idea why. He’d basically forced himself upon her…… or would have if she'd refused. But she hadn't. And wouldn't if he tried again. But to care…….. To care was to lose…… she simply couldn't lose anyone again. Her cold fingers clutched around the hot teacup.

It had reverted to being genderless as soon as she’d fallen asleep. It'd stayed with her for awhile trying to see her dreams as she slept. But unlike ever other human It'd ever encountered…… It simply couldn’t SEE. It had even tried touching It’s bare nose to her cheek and although this had worked a bit it had only produced broken images of senseless and meaningless things.   
She had once walked thru a field at dawn her finger tips touching the heads of wild flowers and the hem of her jeans soaking with dew had stuck to her slender feet. She liked the dawn even as others preferred sunsets.  
She had stood on the bluffs at the quarry in the barrens in the dead of winter looking at the frozen water below and hating herself for not jumping.   
Now why did humans seek to harm themselves??? So FOOLISH!!!  
So much sadness. Loneliness. It knew loneliness very well but It had never felt too much sadness about it. This was just the way things were supposed to be.  
Then her dreams had returned to IT. Or at least it’s clown form. She was dreaming about It’s male form. She thought it was beautiful. Silly child. And yet the idea brought a warmth to It’s chest that It was uncomfortable with.  
It retreated back to It’s sewers unsure of what the next step was going to be.

Courtney spent the several hours before dawn pacing and preparing for her day as this kept her mind busy. She’d planned on spending a few days roaming the town and exploring her old haunts before looking for a job. She didn’t own a car. Hadnt needed one in Cole Town as she’d lived within walking distance of her job. And she didn’t really need one now. The bills here were minimal and she didn’t usually need many extra things.  
Looking around her she watched the shadows twist and writhe to the light of the candles she’d lit. Maybe she’d redecorate. Thoughts of her mother’s disappointment mounted at this.   
Strange how her memories of her mother were so dim. She’d always been so distant with her. Like she was always thinking about something else. Never really talked about her father. He’d left when she was very small. Courtney’s memories of him were few and jaded. She didn't give much credit to fathers because of this.  
As the sunlight finally poured into her old home she decided it was time to start her day. She threw on some old jeans a comfortable old Souxsie and the Banshees shirt and her trusty Doc Martens and headed out.

**Author's Note:**

> Please have mercy! This is my very first attempt at fanfic or writing in general. Love this website and been thinking of writing something and finally got my invite today! I promise there WILL be smut but when I was writing I got really into it and my brain went all harlequinn lol. What can I say? Love my clown boy <3


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